The Uncertainty of Anxiety

Below is an open letter I wrote about my anxiety during these uncertain times with the pandemic and I feel a lot of people could relate. I go a lot into the uncertainties that people who have anxiety go through.

Rebecca Pacter

It's a struggle, just because you can't always see it doesn't mean it's not always there. Let's talk about how hard it is for me to open up about it because I'm scared for no reason. Let's talk about how scary it is to feel like the whole world is falling on your shoulders and you have no idea why. Anxiety is a constant state of worrying, panicking, and being on the edge. It's irrational fears. It's thinking too much and it's caring too much because the root of people with anxiety is caring! Now throw in a pandemic, moving 1,085 miles from home to attend college, and some uncertainty. I wish you knew that it isn't something that I can choose to turn on or off because if I could I would've done that a while ago. It's not just worrying, and being told to relax, tends to not help anything. Understand this, you can be so confident but have anxiety. You can look healthy but feel absolutely horrible. You can look happy but be miserable inside. You could be good looking but still feel ugly. I ask that you just be kind as you never know what any person is really feeling. Anxiety is staying up til 4am thinking about how situations could've been different. It's being completely vaccinated for Covid but getting a runny nose and truly believing it can be nothing other than Covid. Anxiety focuses on the 1% odds of a terrible outcome, instead of the 99% chance it won't happen. Pointing out that 99% doesn't help. My anxiety has put up a barrier that won't let that 99% in. Anxiety is counting my money 12 times before paying. It's always feeling like other people are making fun of you. It's holding in my sneezes so i don't draw attention to myself. Anxiety is seeing someone you know in public but trying desperately not to make eye contact. It's not wearing my large winter coat in 15 degree weather with a fear of being judged. It's always being busy because of the fear of saying no. Anxiety is redoing the same assignment 5 times to make sure there's not a single error. It's choosing my meals from the menu a week before in fear of having to make a decision on the spot. I cling to regimen and detail for stability. I know I'm the girl who laughs and talks a lot and I seem very happy but I'm also the girl who stays awake all night making sure everything I said and did yesterday was on point, don't let a smile fool you. Picture this, your shoes untied but you don't know whether or not to bend down and tie it or leave it untied because both lead to people looking at you, that's anxiety. Instead of telling me "everyone has anxiety" let me know that you're here for me. While everyone experiences anxiety, people experience differing degrees of severity. Instead of telling me "open your door and talk" tell me "I am always here for you, no matter what's going on." Instead of jumping to conclusions you could ask "Are you looking for advice or would you rather I just listen?" Please avoid saying "There's no reason to panic or feel that way," "Everyone gets stressed sometimes-this is so normal," "Just stop worrying and you'll feel so much better." I need you to understand this feeling, it's not something anyone wants but, it's also not easy to just get rid of it. I will continue to be the person with a smile and a bunch of joy but, be open-minded on what is really going on.

Sincerely,

A person with anxiety.